1
Letter from Lt. Col R.C. TARSY to HQ 404 Area IA
Letter from Col. A. USER to Lt. Col RC TARSY IB
CONFIDENTIAL IA
“G” Branch SEAC
HQ 404 L of C Area 19 May 45
Subject TTD
- I have recently come to this Command from another and more progressive theatre.
- I am amazed to find that here DDT is still being used instead of TTD, which is 100% more effective. Att. Is a letter from Col A. User eloquising this wonderful new insecticide.
- I am writing, therefore, to ask that a directive be issued through Staff Channels ordering TTD to be taken into immediate use.
- The Gun, Flit, INDIA, 1945, Mk. VI with a slight modification to the nozzle, is suitable for spraying TTD. The modification is necessary owing to the viscosity of TTD. Since the Gun, Flit, INDIA, 1945, Mk VI is still a controlled store, G. SD sanction will be required, I understand, for their release.
R.C. Tarsy
Lt. Col.
R.C. TARSY
IB
PUKHA BUNGALOW
SWETHIPORE
From Col. A. USER 15 May 45
Dear Stinker,
Just a line to let you know what a wonderful stuff your TTD is. I found that flies, mosquitos, etc curl up as soon as they saw it and a startle-de-buzz which flew into a mild concentration was immediately pranged. Stronger concentrations prove fatal to rats, mice and even cats. After my room has been sprayed thoroughly no animal will go near it for a week and I find that after half an hour in the room, I myself develop a very gay light headed feeling. The advantages of the army adopting TTD are obvious and since fair concentrations have a not dissimilar effect on humans to alcohol a considerable reduction should be able to be made in the liquor ration without hardship, with a consequent saving of shipping space.
Yours very sincerely
- User
2
“Q” Branch
- At IA is a letter from Lt. Col R.C. TARSY which is self explanatory. Unfortunately this Branch is unaware of the appointment held by Lt. Col TARSY nor do they know what credence should be placed in his statements.
- Although the letter is addressed to G Branch it is felt that this is correctly a matter of Q policy and is therefore passed to you for consideration.
- Provided that “Q” branch and MED favour the adoption of the use of T.T.D., that ADOS confirms that supplies of Guns, Flit, INDIA, 1945 Mark VI are available, and that ADME can make the necessary modifications and that S & T confirm that T.T.D. can be supplied this branch will consider the sanction of the release of Guns, Flit, INDIA, 1945 Mark VI.
- Will you please therefore consider this matter and, if the scheme is viewed favourably by all concerned, minute back to this Branch for final sanction of release of Guns, Flit, INDIA, 1945 Mark VI.
G Branch
24 May 1945 P.W. Daniell Maj.
for Lt. Col. GS.
MINUTE SHEET No. II
3
AG Branch
With ref to min No. 2 and the correspondence referred to therein, you will no doubt agree that before we proceed further with this case we should know more of Col. TARSY’s antecedents. Can you for example give us any infm. regarding his Regt. or Corps, or say what appt. he holds. A brief sketch of his military background would assist.
It has been suggested that his initials have been confused with his religious denomination and that his name should, in fact, read “Lt. Col. TARSY RC”. You may wish to ask Ch to comment on this?
E.O. Martin Maj.
25 May for AAQMG
4
G(I)
It is agreed that the two signatories of pp IA & IB require to be investigated and it is suggested that this might well be done through security channels at this stage in view of the necessity of not alarming a possible enemy agent. It occurs to us that this substance may already have been brought surreptitiously into this HQ and be the cause of the air of somnolence which has been observed in some branches of late.
It is also thought that an inspection of the list of shareholders in the firm manufacturing T.T.D. might be very revealing. At the same time an inspection of their last balance sheet might be made, and if the report were favourable this would have the happy result of enabling some officers to get in on the ground floor before placing orders for large quantities of T.T.D. to be bought by the State. Could a copy of this report please be sent to A branch? GP 25/5
5
Letter from Lt Col RC TARSY to HQ 404 Area. 5A
CONFIDENTIAL 5A
No XYZ/10/2
No 1 Special Insectological Research Section
SEAC
“G” Branch
HQ 404 L of C Area 20 May 45
Subject TTD
- I regret that the number and address were inadvertently omitted from my letter to you dated 19 May 45, on the above subject. (IA)
- I am therefore writing in case you should be unaware of the august appointment which I have the honour to hold and also of the correct address to which to reply.
- You are doubtless aware that Mr. Churchill takes a personal interest in the work of this Section and I have instructions to make a report direct to him if I meet any lack of cooperation.
R.C. Tarsy
Lt. Col
Comd.
(R.C. TARSY)
6
Letter from Messrs Share Pusher & Diddle to Capt. AN Officer 6A
6A
Messrs Share Pusher & Diddle
666 Throgmorton Street
London EC 1
7 May 45
Dear Sir,
We are in receipt of your letter of 15 Apr. 45 and are pleased to note that you have a further Rs 2 lakhs which you wish us to invest for you.
We would strongly advise you to invest a large part, if not all, of this sum in British Insecticides (1944) Ltd. This company specialises in the manufacture of TTD in which the Government are interested. At the moment small contracts have been placed by the Government but large contracts from the War Department are shortly expected thanks to the good offices of the chairman’s brother Lt. Col. R.C. Tarsy.
Since this information is not at present common knowledge and last year the company paid no dividends at all, their shares stand at a ridiculously low price and are bound to show a very handsome profit.
A certain Col. A. User of Swethipore is also using his good offices to try to stir the Indian Army from its Rip Van Winkle slumbers. The Colonel recently invested a very substantial sum in the company.
We shall be pleased if in due course you will intimate your wishes in this matter.
Yours faithfully
Share Pusher & Diddle
Capt. A.N. Officer
HQ 404 L of C Area
SEAC
MINUTE SHEET No III
5
Letter from Lt Col R C TARSY to HQ 404 Area 5A
6
Letter from Messrs Share, Pusher & Diddle to Capt A N OFFICER 6A
7
“Q” Branch (thro’ A.G. Branch.)
- At minute 4 will be seen an attempt by AG Branch, in their usual manner, to pass the baby.
- By a happy concatenation of circumstances this Branch is able to supply the answers required.
- Enclosure 5A is a letter from Lt. Col. RC TARSY which appears to establish his bona fides as doubtless AG Branch will now have NO difficulty in turning up his personal records.
- At 6A is a letter recently received by an officer of this Branch from his Stock Brokers which makes it appear that British Insecticides (1944) Ltd. is a good bet. Capt. OFFICER has apparently been very fortunate on the race course recently.
G Branch P.W. Daniell. Major
25 May 44 For Lt. Col GS.
8
Extract from “Who’s Who” 1927 8A
8A
Extract from “WHO’S WHO” (1927)
TARSY, Major RUDOLPH CARBINE
e.s. of Capt. Hon. D’Arcy Tarsy, 5th s. of 12th Earl of UPOVER
b. 1865. Educated Eaton & Ashton-under-Lyme University.
m. 1908. MAISIE DOATS (of Daly’s). Issue 2 d.
(1) UHWATT X. TARSY (unmarried)
(2) FAN. TARSY m. 1927. –USHER (origins unknown) no issue
Commissioned Great War as Major November 1916
Resigned commission Feb 1917 (after the Bagshaw Report on Abuse of Kings Commissions)
Business:- Company Promoter, Commercial Traveller etc etc.
Author of “Get Rich Quick With Me” (500 copies) “You Too Can Sell Gold Mines” (Limited Edition) “Five Years At Government Expense” etc etc.
Recreations:- Amateur Chemistry, Selling Things, Studying Handwriting etc etc
Clubs:- Con Man’s, Bag O’Nails, 43 etc etc
MINUTE SHEET No IV
9
“G” Branch (Thro “Q”)
- So far from passing the baby this Branch has been indulging in fervid research in order to render assistance in the matter.
- This research has revealed (1) the history of Lt. Col (sic) R.C. TARSY as contained in “Who’s Who” (1927 Edn) (2) that his name does not appear in any current Army List & if this is not surprising considering his age, it is peculiar how he acquired his present rank. (3) Lt. Col. A. User’s name does not appear in A.L. either but it is noted that Col TARSY’s younger daughter married a man called according to “Who’s Who” “—– USHER”
- In view of Lt. Col Tarsy’s hobbies it seems quite probable that his son-in-law is innocent & that no such person as Lt. Col. User exists.
- In spite of the evidence to the contrary contained in “Who’s Who” (1927 Edn) this Branch feels that Lt. Col Tarsy may also be non-existent. Can “G” Branch produce anything other than documentary evidence to prove that he exists (e.g. a lock of hair, photograph etc.)?
- Suggest thorough investigation through “I” channels but ‘S & T’ should be asked re “T.T.D.”, as if it exists & if it contains all the properties claimed for it, Officers Messes, bed rooms & offices should be sprayed at the earliest.
- Please keep this Branch informed as disciplinary action may be necy.
25 May 45 GH Burton Capt.
S.C. (Legal) A Branch
Rev***********
Minute Sheet No V
10
G. Branch Ref previous noting on this case:-
I think you will agree that the time has come when it will be in our own best interests and, incidentally, in the interest of the nation as a whole to accept Col. TARSY’s antecedents.
Subject to your agreement I propose, immediately, to raise with the services concerned the question of the adoption of T.T.D. throughout this theatre.
The shares have risen to 30/- since Tuesday.
28 May E.O. Martin Maj.
DAQMG
11
Q Branch
We are in complete agreement with your minute 10.
No 1 S I R Section is in this Area and we are at a loss to understand AG Branch’s obstructive attitude, unless it is that they are playing for time while they raise all the money they can to invest in British Insecticides (1944) Ltd.
In view of para 3 of Lt. Col TARSY’s letter at 5A it would be criminal folly to delay consulting the services any longer unless you like very high power rockets
G Branch P.W. Daniell Maj.
28 May 45 for Lt. Col. GS
12
Copy
Letter from Mr. Thaddeus Toombs to Messrs Freeman Hardy & Willis 12A
12 A
Thaddeus Toombs
Circus Proptr
Performing Animals Provided: Tame Tigers for Children’s Parties
Assorted Snakes
21 Gasworks Villas
Congleton
To Messrs Freeman Hardy & Willis Solicitor London EC
Sirs,
I want you should write to that dirty dog Kernel Tarsy about what he done with my performing fleas & cockroaches what will sham dead when they smells aniseed.
He said he wanted to borer them for a demmys deemu demmstre to show the War Offis. Tell him if I don’t get them back Tuesday I’ll have the law on him. And another thing, what’s he done to our Fanny, the world famous equestrienne? She don’t eat, can’t sleep & fell off her horse in the ring last Saterday. I’ll now draw to a close.
Yours respectfully, sirs,
Thaddeus Toombs
Minute Sheet No VI
13
ST
Could a sample of T.T.D. be obtained & submitted to analysis? I’ve always been interested in analysis & synthesis (as an amateur you understand – remind me to give you my recipe for home brewed scotch-style fire water) & it occurs to me that an analysis in this case might reveal something. Why I suggest this is because my solicitors, Freeman Hardy & Willis have sent me in strict confidence a copy of a letter they have received from Thaddeus Toombs, Circus Proprietor which seems to have a bearing on the subject. Yes? No? What do you think? (How are you fixed for gin, by the way? I can give you a recipe for distilling it from your bath-water, in the privacy of your own bedroom. Enclose 4 as in stamps to cover packing & postage.)
Q 30 May 45
Minute Sheet No VII
14
Q
Ref minute 13
(Was it malice of forethought that you waited until you arrived at this unlucky No, before consulting S.T.? This Branch is intimately concerned & should have been let in much earlier).
- To reply to your queries in the order of their importance.
- Gin stocks low. Grateful if you can do anything about this – but the fact that your bath water, when distilled, produces gin does not necessarily indicate that ours will.
- We have grave doubts that an analysis of this case as it now stands will reveal anything at all. There are several gaps that require buttoning up.
- (I) If you will refer to page I.B. you will see that Col. User states that T.T.D. when merely sprayed in his room, gives him a very gay & light headed feeling.
(II) On the same page this officer states that no animal will go near his room.
(III) In minute 4 “A” Branch suggest that the surreptitious introduction of T.T.D. into this HQ may account for the somnolence of same Branches.
These three statements appear contradictory, particularly as I have not noticed any staff officers keeping away from HQ since the alleged introduction of the T.T.D..
- Neither “G” nor “A” appear to be aware that a Pest Control & Destruction Unit has recently arrived in this Area from UK. Surely they should be consulted, & might be asked to carry out experiments as to the effectiveness of this new insecticide. If necessary, we can suggest various Pests who might well be the subject of experiment.
- Stocks of T.T.D. are NOT yet available.
- It is the considered opinion of ST that there has been a slight misunderstanding. T.T.D. does not, in fact, exist, & it is thought that the commodity under consideration is probably F.D.F. This will probably give a different complexion to the case, & possibly yourself.
1/6 S & T
Minute Sheet No VIII
15
Med
Ref Minute 14
Before returning to “Q” will you pl. comment on-
para 1 (a) from the point of view of hygiene.
Para 2 (last sub para) a psychological problem?
Pl. pass to Vet for their remarks also.
1/6 S & T
16
Letter received from I. B. Rogers-ffoulkes-Rogers Esq. addssd G Branch 404 Area
16A
16A
Farquham Hall
Bashem-on-Couch
Norfolk
2nd June 1945
G. Branch
HQ 404 L of C Area
South East Asia Command
Gentlemen,
It is with a warm personal interest in your organization that I write to you in the hope that you may be able to offer me a certain measure of assistance in my present dilemma. I regret to have to add that I am at this moment balancing on one of the horns thereof.
As you know, my son, the late U.R. Rogers-ffoulkes-Rogers was, until shortly before his premature decease, serving in your Headquarters as G.II (I) and was, in the course of his duties investigating the effects of Alcoholism & drug taking on Staff Officers as a part of the “Careless talk costs lives” campaign.
When his personal effects were sent to me, as his nearest & consequently most intimate relation (our doings were invariably closely connected). I found among them a small tin labelled “T.T.D.” and containing a fine white powder. The use of this substance and its effects had puzzled me for some considerable time until one day completely by chance I happened to hit on the idea of sniffing the powder. I found it had a passing pleasurable fragrance combined with an effect of exhilaration not unlike that of a magnum of champagne.
I pursued my enquiries further and a warm personal friend of mine who is by way of selling feelthy post cards (and I can assure you that they are far feelthier than most cards) and other appliances of a doubtful nature and even more doubtful efficacy, was able to materially assist me in my research. He informed me that this substance was the product of a firm known as British Insecticides (1944) Ltd. who were “pushing” this product as a substitute for D.D.T. which as it is well known is extremely costly to produce.
I omitted at that time to ask him where they were pushing it but doubtless the manufacturers would be able to furnish the necessary information if it is thought to be relevant. In any case I feel sure that many of your HQ officers would be able to elucidate.
On a further perusal of his personal diary I found a note against Jan 1st 1945. “Feeling frightful: must remember to get some more snow from Med”. This I feel sure you will appreciate, is incomprehensible to me, phrazed as I suppose it must be, in General Staff parlance, but the thing that struck me was the uncommon similarity between the powder labelled T.T.D. and ordinary snow. I feel this may have some significance.
The only other entry that appears in any way connected with the mystery is on Feb 14th & reads “Med getting touchy over handing over: Must push Q for acceptance of TTD as substitute. Try and interest S & T”.
Shortly before writing to you I received a reply to a letter I wrote to Messrs Sharepusher & Diddle my brokers, enquiring if this concern, British Insecticides (1944) Ltd was a sound investment as I feel strongly that anything that interested my son it is my duty to support. Their reply was to the effect that although, to date, no dividends had yet been paid by this company; due to confidential information in their possession they were able to assure me this lamentable state of affairs would shortly be remedied. It appears that they have contacts in high places in S.E.A.C. and possibly of course in 404 Area and large contracts are expected hourly.
I feel certain you will appreciate my difficulty. I am quite unable to decide whether or not to invest in this company & even were I to be able to decide, I am unable to fathom my son’s connection with either the product or the manufacturers.
Any information with which you are able to furnish me would be gratefully received.
I am, gentlemen
Yours sincerely
I.B. ROGERS-FFOULKES-ROGERS.
17
Copy of three alliterative verses found in S & T Branch and referring remotely to T.T.D. & its effects. 17A
17A
Col. R.C. TARSY’s pushing TTD.
Where does he want to push it ? – you tell me.
Seems his motives are suspicious, and
He wants to join that vicious band
Wot snuffs up snow from breakfast time till tea.
Should the Army take its finger out and push
This vile, delicious, soul-destroying mush,
For a time our lads in Burma
Will campaign without a murmur
And disembowel all Japs in one mad rush.
But the aftermath will not be nice to see,
There’ll be hell a-poppin ’mongst the soldiery.
And if they can’t continue snuffin’
TTD, they’ll knock the stuffin’
Out of blokes what ought to bring it- S & T.
Anon
GII (I)
Found among the archives of S & T Branch & forwarded as it is felt that a careful examination by G (I) may reveal ‘itherto an un’eard ‘ights of depths of meaning.
18
Extract from The Manchester Guardian of 15 May 45 referring to a new insecticide to be used in SEAC. 18A
18A
EXTRACT FROM “THE MANCHESTER GUARDIAN” OF 15 MAY 45.
INVENTION OF NEW INSECTICIDE TO BE USED IN SEAC.
(By our special correspondent).
A high ranking Staff officer who has first returned from the depths of the Chittagong jungle, having- as he succinctly put it managed to persuade “A” Branch to remove their finger & put him down under scheme SLICK, informs me that a wonderful new insecticide is shortly to be brought into use in SEAC as soon as production can be arranged both in this country and in India. One go-ahead Headquarters is I understand already studying distribution on a large scale by pipeline. Reports from units who have already tried this product show that all ranks are enthusiastic and wish to have it brought into general use with minimum delay. The reason for this universal acclaim is apparently that it kills all kinds of insects with an admirable lack of discrimination & at the same time it possesses a very pleasant smell and imparts a feeling of well-being to anyone entering even a mild concentration. It is also claimed that it will undoubtedly save shipping space as it will enable officers who at present have to spend a large part of their pay on alcohol to keep at bay the effects of malaria, to slice their drink ration by 80%.
Reuter.
19
Letter from 2/Lt. V.D. Pimple-Bottome to G Branch 404 Area 19A
19A
To “G” Branch 404 Area thro’ proper channels
During the course of my many duties in the S & T Branch I came across (by complete accident, please note) the TTD Policy File and after perusing the contents I have come to the conclusion that in view of the tremendous effect, the premature or imprudent introduction of this potent insecticide would have on the SEAC campaign, surely the suitable classification can only be TOP SECRET. This is an inexcusable lapse of security meriting the usual disciplinary action.
I view with grave concern that almost all the interested parties are senior officers – surely this is not another example of the exclusion of the junior officers from the good things of life. It would appear that the introduction of TTD would effect a considerable saving on the pocket of the junior subaltern allowing him to get as tight as the proverbial tick at will, instead of being forced to imbibe one lemon squash nightly. Perhaps Welfare would like to comment on this?
I would suggest that the introduction of a pipeline in 404 Area in the style of the 6” USA line leading from the source of supply to all offices would prove a great boon & time saving factor. A special pack to be devised for all touring officers away from HQs for more than three days! – this suggestion is not to be sniffed at.
To improve the knowledge of the layman on the technical operation of the scheme brief details are appended so that the system may function without interruption or delay.
It is considered that the method of distribution envisaged i.e. a pipeline would produce the optimum results at a minimum operating cost. Briefly the layout would be for a tank farm to established for bulk storage in the site at present occupied by the Signals Car Park, with a mixing plant for introduction of the solvent to be sited in the present half constructed basha some way up the hill (originally intended to house the anticipated gaggle of half colonels consequent upon the reorganisation of HQ as a district).
This will allow a gravity feed to the farm installation, distribution to be made by 6” Victurallic pipe with removable couplings & neoprene seals. Two Ingersoll Rand 8 stage 250 GPM capacity pumps will be sufficient for Area and Sub Area HQ distribution. If it is considered necessary or desirable these may be augmented by further pumps for outlying stations. The estimated throughput is not yet known. “Q” may please be asked to speak on this. It is proposed to have off take points in A.Q.G., Med, Camp, S & T & M.E. Branches with a central storage on the roof of the main HQ building.
Considerable strengthening will have to be undertaken to enable this ancient structure to serve but as it is proposed to expand the scheme later to embrace the DCE 141 Works this should be accomplished without difficulty.
V.D. Pimple-Bottome
2/Lt
20
ION no 6/2000/GSD from GSD to Med 20A
Letter No 6/2000/GSD from HQ 404 Area to Lt. Col R.C. Tarsy 20B
Letter from Lt. Col. R.C. TARSY to HQ 404 L of C Area 20C
20A
Inter Office Note CONFIDENTIAL
Med.
Subject TTD
- Att are a letter from Lt. Col. TARSY together with a sedative reply.
- From the tone of Col TARSY’s letter it will be seen that it is essential that a reply is sent to him at a very early date.
- It is understood from Q Branch that you have been sitting on this file for the best part of quite some while and it is now earnestly requested that you remove your digit and produce an answer.
- Please add this ION and the two att letters as enclosures to our file.
No 6/2000/GSD P.W. Daniell Maj
HQ 404 L of C Area SEAC 16 Jun 45 For Lt. Col GS
20B
CONFIDENTIAL
No 6/2000/GSD
HQ 404 L of C Area
SEAC
Lt. Col RC TARSY 16 Jun 45
No 1 S.I.R.S.
SEAC
Subject TTD
Ref your unnumbered letter of 14 Jun 45 (20C)
- It is regretted that there has been such a plaguing long delay in replying to your letter but I have NO doubt that you will appreciate that a decision on a matter of such moment can NOT be light heartedly given.
- In fact there are a number of implications each of which has to be studied and reported upon by the expert branch or service concerned. Far from being neglected this subject has been the subject of diligent research by all my subordinates.
- Unfortunately it is NOT at present possible to give you a definite answer as Medical experts are taking an inordinately long time, owing entirely to lack of equipment, to complete their researches.
- I will however give you a reply at the earliest possible moment, and meanwhile my distribution experts are working out details for a piped supply throughout the Area.
Brig.
Comd.
20C
“G” Branch No 1 S.I.R.S.
HQ 404 L of C Area SEAC
14 Jun 45
Subject TTD
- I am most surprised NOT to have received any reply from you to my two previous letters on the above subject. (1A & 5A)
- Before coming to this theatre I had heard nothing which did NOT redound to your credit and in fact had understood that to you alone was due the credit for our recent victories in the ARAKAN.
- In view of the extreme tardiness which you have displayed in this matter I can only assume that I was misinformed and that in fact these victories were won in spite of you.
- Will you please therefore give this matter your immediate attention as it is one the importance of which cannot be overstressed.
- Meanwhile I am reporting to Mr. CHURCHILL that in view of the incompetence displayed in this matter I consider that the moment your HQ has completed its present role (which I understand will be shortly) you should be ignominiously disbanded
R.C. TARSY
Lt. Col.
Comd.
MINUTE SHEET No IX
MINUTE 21
To GS (D) through “Q”
Subject T.T.D.
- Ref enclosure 20 A, B, & C.
- This correspondence is noted with great interest. The delay in replying is regretted but an extremely interesting phenomenon has been occupying this branch for several days now. An extremely loud sound was heard resembling that made by a species of oak bark when being withdrawn from the narrow orifice of a glass container. The feeling in the branch was described as the “bottom falling out of things” and on the flood produced, this file was borne to my desk entirely by chance I feel.
- This new chemical synthesis referred to commonly by lay people as T.T.D. and correctly designated Trichloro-Tryptarsole-Dodecahedrine is so revolutionary in its effect that the defeat of the enemy may now be taken for granted.
- From a hygiene point of view this compound has all the inherent advantages attributed to D.D.T.
- As an insecticide T.T.D. is even more potent, producing a more rapid onset of the convulsive friggings which soon end in death.
- It is from a psychological point of view that T.T.D. is most interesting. The feeling of well being produced in man inhaling the vapour given off by T.T.D. closely resembles the state produced by a carefully controlled intake of alcohol such as is achieved by addicts to this chemical compound after decades of trial and error practice.
- Surely this fact will remove all problems of welfare, repatriation and release in S.E.A.C. for who could wish to leave this part of the world if he were living under such admirable conditions??.
- Other advantages which will accrue from the use of T.T.D. are:-
- A complete abolition of the present totally inadequate beer and whisky ration which will be rendered superfluous
- Saving in wear and tear of the right arm especially the elbow joints as produced by the raising and lowering of glasses containing liquid sustenance for weary souls.
- In connection with para 8 (b) above I have an interesting medical syndrome to report. It is one that I have observed more frequently in S.E.A.C. than elsewhere. The main features of the condition are a large painful swelling over the elbow region (see below) and a reddening of nasal organ associated with a spastic condition of the right hand and arm which are held bent at the elbow to 90 0 with the fingers in a grasping position separated by the distance of a standard half pint tumbler. The fingers are in a state of oscillation. The swelling over the elbow region is very similar to a condition known as housemaid’s knee and indeed the pathology is identical. Possibly the confusion in nomenclature is caused by the occurrence of the condition both on the knees and elbows in certain gentlemen. The causal factor in all cases is undue pressure over bony prominences, caused by weight taking in unaccustomed places. Minute Sheet No X
A similar interesting condition occurs in those whose occupation involves much sitting and is usually referred to as “weaver’s bottom”.
- It is recommended that the universal use of T.T.D. be brought into effect in the shortest possible time in order to combat the current epidemics of fromagitis and acute benders.
- I would like the question of air spray to be taken up with the proper or as the case may be improper authority.
Thomas Twaddle-Quack
“M” F.A.R.C.E., B.U.M.
18 Jun 45
Minute Sheet XI
22
To GS Branch
- It is obvious to any trained staff officer that this accumulation of correspondence on this file requires clarification
- It is suggested that a meeting of all concerned be called to co-ordinate action for the future.
- The contents of this file could be read out with the usual weekly signals.
- As it is doubtful if Col. TARSY could attend in person, it is understood from reliable sources that A.P.M. THOMPSON has very direct relationship with that gentleman (it is requested that no further questions be asked) and he could well represent the TARSY point of view.
Maj. DS
Minute Sheet No XII
23
Letter from Major Ivor Thirst to I.B. Rogers ffoulkes Rogers 23A
23A
DO No 6/2000/GSD
I. Thirst HQ 404 L of C Area
From Major P.W. Daniell SEAC
G II (I) 23 Jun 45
Dear Rogers-ffoulkes-Rogers,
I am answering your letter (16A) written to this HQ DO as your son, my predecessor, was a warm personal friend of mine and also the information you seek can scarcely be given officially by this HQ.
Your son was an extremely capable and zealous officer and it was only due to his keenness and stern sense of duty that he met his premature end. He was as you know studying the effect of Alcoholism and drug taking on Staff Officers and just before his untimely demise was carrying out extensive research on his theory that the efficiency of Staff Officers would be increased 100% provided they could permanently keep one jump ahead of their hangovers. To this end he founded, and became president of, the One-Jumpers Club, which still thrives in this HQ and is a permanent memorial to your son. He set about his task with a determination which had to be seen to be believed. Daily he had a heavy lunch time alcohol session, a couple of stiff brandies for tea and then of course a normal evening session. He found however that he had a tendency to early morning sickness and could not always keep his before breakfast brandies down. However, where lesser men would have been daunted, this only just put him on his mettle and he decided to substitute snow (General Staff parlance for cocaine, morphine etc.) for his early morning brandy. This was extremely efficacious and at the time of his death he was working out what increased dosages of alcohol could be taken in the evening as a result of their enormous jumps ahead of ones’ hangover obtained from snow. The Saturday before his death he had a mild attack of DTs but no hangover. He determined to get one jump ahead of his DTs and started sniffing TTD as well as his other stimulants. Unfortunately his DTs got worse until on the Wednesday evening he was savaged by a pink elephant and mortally wounded. As he lay on the ground dying he beseeched us to get some TTD as he was being bitten unmercifully by swarms of green ants, and he knew that TTD would kill them at once. A moment later he was dead.
We were all extremely glad to see that his self-sacrifice and devotion to duty have not gone unrecognised and that he has an OBE and a mention.
His connection with TTD was not very close, as he was engrossed in his alcoholic experiments. He had however confided in me that he thought it was the answer to a drinker’s prayer and of his intention to invest heavily in the company engaged in its manufacture.
I hope these few lines will enable you to move from the most delicate and uncomfortable position which you have been occupying on a horn.
Yours very sincerely
Ivor Thirst
I.B. Rogers-ffoulkes-Rogers Esq.
Farquham Hall,
Basham-on-Couch
Norfolk
24
Advance copy of IAO 24A
24A
I.A.O. Advance copy
In order to popularise the use of TTD among the troops a series of brightly written, human anecdotes has been prepared by the author of Capt. T.O. Morrison’s popular series of best sellers. British troops are notoriously conservative in their tastes and rigidly insist on steak puddings & plum duff whatever their surroundings or the prevailing temperature & these simple stories are intended to break down their prejudice against innovations. All officers will read one anecdote per night to their troops before bedtime & enter without reserve into this popularising campaign. Their slogan will be “All for TTD – TTD for all”.
Anecdote No 1 (GHQ (WEC) 230/TTD-DTT FR:A)
TTD Wins the Match (Nearly)
On a sunny June morning in the old college town of Oxford, noted for the numbers of young men over normal school leaving age still receiving full time instruction there, Jasper Hoots awoke at an early hour (06.30 hrs. GMT) & flexed his long & perfectly proportioned body lying between luxurious hospital type sheets. Forcing open his eyes, lightly gummed together as a result of attendance at a “bump” supper the night before , he winced slightly at the rising sun’s rays & then thought, as semi-consciousness returned to him (he never achieved full consciousness) “Heavens! It is the day of Oxford versus Sheffield Wednesday Soccer Match & Annual Bun Fight.” And with a glad shout he leapt out of bed &, by accident, into a bath of cold water. For was not he Captaining
the Oxford side? He was. Filled with glowing health, eyes now nearly fully opened, teeth glistening (“Humpo” cleans dentures over night.) & immaculately clad in blazer, sweater, shorts, longs, braces & pullover, see him trip lightly down the stairs. (It was an empty beer bottle on the top step that caused him to trip.) And then, after a light breakfast of boiled ham, cow’s heels & a delicious pot or two of the famous Oxford marmalade, he went out into the quadrangle, or forecourt, & inhaled lungful after lungful of the bright smoky air, or fog, expanding & contracting as he did so his mighty diaphragm, or chest.
“Come on boys,” he carolled, “All out for the great match” & in a twinkling, or about an hour & three quarters, was surrounded by a crowd of eager sportsmen, or stooges, such as only England could produce.
“Listen, guys,” Jasper shouted, while they all hung on to his words (except a few who preferred to hang on to the quad railings), “We’ve got to beat these Sheffield thugs today. Play up, play up & play the game! Take your TTD & nothing can stop us. Furthermore I have a scheme for slipping in a couple of extra men on our side. No one will notice in this fog.”
Ringing shouts were the response to this stirring speech. It is true that a few members of the team, still under the influence of the previous night’s bump supper were by now fast asleep on the gravel & one or two others were being sick in odd corners, but Jasper’s speech had inspired all who heard it – that is to say a couple of men who had happened to be listening.
It was the work of but a moment to issue the TTD & scarcely three hours had elapsed before all the team, & the two extras, were induced to swallow it. The results were magical! Need we, in fact, go on? No, one thought not. Suffice it to say that the Oxford v Sheffield match of that year will go down in history. Oxford put 23 men in the field & insisted that all should play, because, as Jasper explained, a miscount could happen to anyone. Sheffield scored only 13 goals to Oxford’s NIL & but for TTD would undoubtedly have scored 23.
In after life Jasper made a brilliant success of a career as St Marylebone Mortuary attendant & fervently attributes all his success to TTD.
Don’t miss our next anecdote IT’S GOOD
25
DAAG
DAQMG Initialled.
APM
ADS & T Initialled 23/6 agreed
ADOS
ADME
- Since Q Branch and Med appear to agree in principle to the adoption of T.T.D. it is suggested that the simplest way of buttoning the whole matter up, so that a draft reply to Lt. Col. RC TARSY can be put up to the Comd. for approval, is to call a meeting of all interested parties. It is further suggested that, if convenient to all concerned, the meeting should be held at 18.00 hrs. on Monday 2 Jul 45 in C Mess.
- Will Branches/Services please be prepared to give firm decisions on the points raised in para 3 of minute 2 and any other germane matter.
- Please pass the file quickly in above named order and indicate if the date and time suggested are convenient.
- Will APM please note para 4 of minute 22
G Branch P.W. Daniell Maj
22 Jun 45 For Lt. Col GS
Minute Sheet No XIII
26
G Branch Ref T.T.D. Policy Minute 25
- I have read with amazement the wafflings of various branches of this HQ & before I could possibly lower myself to join the proposed conference at some low Tavern ( I presume). I must ask you to realise my important position in this HQ. & I feel that a conference should not have even been considered without reference to me.
When I was DAA & QMG in England & despite the ravages & the fog of war I always insisted on complete control of the HQs involved & of course Cmdrs. & consequently any perks or tips usually offered to Cmdrs., came my way. Not that I was selfish or mean about it as the locals & of course Women of the town benefited indirectly.
The above is attempt to bring home to you my status- especially as I feel that veiled reference is made to me in Med’s minute 21 8 (b). I wish this to be deleted!
- I notice some adverse remarks ref A Branch. I could not agree more but such remarks will now cease as I have arrived.
- Reference to requests for various S.O.s “To pull the finger out” I would suggest it is extremely hard to do so unless your Senior Officer stands up!
- To sum up I have now proved by the foregoing that I am an exceedingly capable person & am therefore competent to handle exclusively this question under review i.e. T.T.D.
- Ref folio 19 letter to G from a young pup 2/Lt V.D. Pringle Bottome I fear that his statement is not correct when he states that the benefits (if any) of T.T.D. are being kept from the junior officers- because on my very first night I was with
Minute Sheet XIV
singular disrespect to me & my appt., asked by advancing Dervish of a Capt., “Honey take a sniff with me” or words to that effect, at the same time making weird motions with his hands.
Which again proves that security in this HQ is bad. A Junior Officer should never be told anything. No such breach of Security should have occurred if I had been dealing with this case exclusively.
- The shares are now down to 1d.
S.H. Hawke Major
DAAG
23 June 45
After minute
Ref conference as I understand drinks will be paid for by person/persons other than myself I will consent to attend- but my ruling will be final. SHH 23 June 45
27
Advance copy of IAO 07/45 27A
27A
TTD for all: All for TTD IAO 07/45: Advance copy
Anecdote II
Won by TTD: A Mill Girl’s Romance
Mary Goope was just a factory girl. She worked as a slub basher in the great Huddersfield Slubbing & Dying Mills & lived with her great uncle Elas Sicity in a humble cottage in Abbatoir Road Pudsey & cycled to & from her work daily on a tricycle. Old great uncle Elas gave very little trouble, spending the greater part of his time in one or other of the local prisons. Her work gave her little trouble; she was considered by one and all to be one of the best slub bashers in the works. Her foreman gave her little trouble, seldom being wholly sober & often falling into the great vats of slub. And yet she was not happy!! Why, she asked, was she always a wall flower? Why always a bridesmaid but never (or seldom) a bride? Why did partners at dances come rushing towards her & then, when within a few yards, rush off on another tack & seize any old partner who happened to be hanging around? Why was her hair falling out so that she appeared always to be standing in a dismembered bird’s nest? Why did she bite her finger nails? The food at home, though rough & rude, was at least plentiful. Why, in short, was she not a social success but, on the whole, almost a total loss?
You, intelligent reader, have probably guessed – Any poor fish among our readers who haven’t read on!
One day her sole remaining friend, Cissy Waters (some called her Sissy Waters), a shy, retiring little creature said to her, “Say Toots, you wanter get on to yourself. Where’s your girlish charm? Where’s the body beautiful? If you don’t watch out you’ll lose em both.”
Mary winced at the kindly words; gently though they were spoken.
“Aw, lay offer me,” she shyly replied, “I feel kinda punk but lemme tell you –“and out came all her girlish secrets & frustrated longings. Soon Cissy was made aware of all Mary’s hopes & fears, i.e. hopes of clicking & fears of getting left on the shelf. It was a pretty sight to see those two girlish heads close together over the great masses or gobs as they are called, of slub.
“I gotter get that guy,” Mary concluded, “I gotter get him- I got a proper yen for the dumb cluck.”
“You mean Slim Sloper or Basher Beauchamps?” enquired Sissy (or Cissy), who had got rather confused during the narrative.
“Neither, bonehead,” Mary whispered, bashfully, “I wouldn’t be seen dead with either of those tinhorn sports. NO, “she went on, dreamily, stirring the steaming slub in a kind of trance, “it’s Hophead Harry for mine & I don’t mean maybe.”
Cissy (or Sissy) was immediately all womanly solicitude & almost maternal in her yearning for her girl friend’s happiness.
“Then listen, dope,” she softly counselled “take TTD!! Thassall! Just you take it and & see. I’m your best friend but I’m telling you just the same you’ve got halitosis, under arm odours, B.O., athlete’s foot, dandruff & fallen arches. But does that matter? Not if you take TTD, cram full of vitamins, proteins, starch, benzene & the full rich essence of nicotine from old Virginny. Start taking it tomorrow. The large packet contains more than the small ones.”
Next day Mary started on TTD. Her hair stopped falling out: some which had actually fallen bounced back into place again. Her teeth grew slightly less mahogany coloured, her bosom – but need we go on? We were afraid you’d say that- & just as we were getting to the interesting details. OK, then. She got her man. She got all the men she could use. You, too, could get a girl, even in the Officers Club, if you’d follow her example.
Look out for our next TTD Anecdote
It’s a smasher.
Minute Sheet XV
28
It is a lamentable reflection on the Staff of this HQ that on such an important and highly technical matter, the Technical Services have largely been ignored. However we shall as usual put the staff on the right lines – service with a smile.
The distribution of Trichloro-Tryptarsole-Dodecahedrine by pipe line is in hand. But it’s application especially by members of One Jumpers Club is archaic, having I gather something to do with having “a sniff with me”. This leads me to suppose that dogs come into it somewhere, but may be this will merely prove to be our frightfully doggy Staff or perhaps my warm personal friend, that clueless wonder of the Orient, who daily is pulling on taking his bitches for a “gallop”.
The correct application of T.T.D. requires a highly technical and complicated piece of machinery called, not as supposed by G, “Guns Flit INDIA 1945 MK VI”, but the “Down Draught Bifurcator”. Without modification for India; the machine can only be used to extract all the hot air out of Staff Bull droppings. However modified for India, it can be most successfully employed for applying T.T.D. The details of this modification are with that highly skilled technician the I.T.A. (Inspector of Tin Pants) who is attached to ME Branch.
I Spityfartenkoff
Lieut Col.
LVAB/SE ADOS (Greek Not Available)
24/6/45 Sometime Wizard of OS
29
Note from ARP Reilly-ffoul 29A
Letter from Mr. Bannerjee to HQ 404 dated 23 Jun 45 29B
29A
The attached was found on the verandah of “C” Mess at 14.00 hrs Sunday 24 June ‘45
A.R.P. Reilly-ffoul
Capt & Adjt.
Gertshire Light Horse.
29B
Bannarjee
Deputy Ast. Stationmaster
Chittagong
23 June ‘45
Sahibs,
It is that I have heard of your wonderful TTD. Daily I try to get some but what to do. I don’t get. 6 and 5 times on Sunday my wife she wanted some and there is none. I go down on my knees & beg the wonderful Permanent President for to use his influence to obtain for me just a little. Huyooi-Achcha wallah daily I am pulling at but you ignore me.
I wait most honourable Sahib
Your pleasures
I.C. Bannerjee
30
Message from Supreme HQ SEA to HQ 404 30A
Letter from Mr. Churchill to SACSEA 30B
30A
Message Form
From Supreme HQ SEA 23 1130
To 404 Area
Q OPS 1234 Ref attd copy letter personal Churchill to MOUNTBATTEN (.) Report immediately action taken
Signed. Mountbatten Immediate by hand of Lt. Gen. SNOOKS
30B
No 10 DOWNING STREET
WHITEHALL
LONDON S.W. 1
Dear Mountbatten,
I am informed that due to inefficiency within the lesser Headquarters of your Command, there has been undue delay in the acceptance of T.T.D.
Lord Munster himself, when making his report to me in person, told me that his impression was that insufficient interest was being taken in this product.
Lt. Col. R.C. TARSY my personal Representative in S.E.A.C. has written to tell me that to his knowledge NO action has yet been taken on his suggestion made in May.
I did not become H.M. The King’s First Minister to see the efforts of the Crown set at naught by incompetence of minor officials, be it even in so distant an outpost of the Empire.
I wish an immediate report on this matter which I and the Cabinet regard as of prime importance.
You will submit this report.
Winston S. Churchill
WINSTON S. CHURCHILL
31
Message from HQ 404 to HQ of SACSEA 31A
31A
Message Form
From HQ 404 L of C Area 24 0900
To HQ of SACSEA
Q 1066(.) RESTRICTED(.) Your Q OPS 1234 of 23 Jun(.) Matter still under earnest consideration(.) Hope fwd. full report 3 Jul. 45(.) Apparent tardiness regretted.
- Aches
Lt. Col. Immediate
32
Advance IAO Anecdote No 3 32A
32 A
TTD Anecdote No 3 – & last.
Local Boy Makes Good: Outstanding effect of TTD on 404 Staff Officer
Young Lionel Flute had a chequered Army career. Enlisted, by error, in the ATS, he was rapidly transferred to Army Dental Corps (again an erroneous posting due to the fascination induced by his projecting front teeth on the Staff Officer concerned), & from thence to an Oceanic Tramway Operating Coy. & then as liaison officer to a Mobile Hot Dog Stand & Turkish Bath Unit. It was inevitable, after he had inadvertently accepted a consignment of cement instead of flour for the Hot Dog Bakery, that he should become a Staff Officer. And there we find him, if we are interested enough to look for him, seated at his desk in P Branch of 404 HQ. From the moment of his advent there, things went mysteriously wrong. Troops destined for leave in India found themselves returning to the front by mule ships. Stores for Rangoon were delivered, months later, at Darjeeling. Teams of Army soft ball players arrived at the field to find themselves confronted with teams of dart throwers. ENSA parties gave shows in empty halls simultaneously with packed attendances at other halls with no performers. Confusion reigned. Each Staff Officer looked at his fellow officers askance.
Something was wrong but none could trace the origin of error. Little did they know that it lay in the lack of TTD in Lionel’s system. Signals flashed to & fro without time of origin or originator’s signature, duty officers received imperious messages at dead of night, morning conferences broke down in confusion & despair. Troop movements either ceased altogether or became circular in character so that they always arrived at their starting point. Vet found themselves dealing with Fire Inspection Reports & Welfare became involved with the treatment of diseased elephants. The A.P.M. was confronted with problems of the canteen services (& made a good job of them), while Q branch, in quiet despair, closed down and took to their charpoys.
At this stage Lionel, sitting quietly in P branch in his customary stupor, took a sniff of TTD, mistaking it for cocaine. What a transformation! Normality rapidly returned. Q Branch reopened, with a day off for all the staff. Morning conferences recovered their zest, snap & fire. Troop movements resumed their accustomed static state within reinforcement camps. The Area Cmd. Who had found to his astonishment, planes arriving to convey him hither & thither, resumed his customary waiting on airstrips. All breathed sighs of relief!
Need we add that Lionel went on from strength to strength? Perhaps we needn’t but we’ll do so. You’ll find him now, if you’re sap enough to look, where he always wanted to be. Second fiddle in the Club dance band. You too, sucker, could achieve your hearts desire thro’ TTD.
GET THE LARGE SIZE TIN!!
Minute Sheet No XVI
33
- This Branch is in entire agreement with the feelings expressed by Lt. Col. Spityfartenkoff of O.S. in that the Technical Services have not been consulted in this matter.
- After mature study of the chemical analysis of T.T.D., the formula of which I understand is K9P + 95 parts of raw alcohol. It has been decided by this branch that it could, with unqualifying success, be used as an unbinding agent. This is admirably suited to a repair which is shortly to be notified in Alfro’s as being included in the Schedule of Permissible 2nd Echelon repairs. That is to say, “the extraction of digits from defective Staff Officers”. That is by way of being an M.E. Responsibility.
- The method of repair is firstly to give the officers suffering from the defect a sniff of morphine which causes him to rise. A few drops of T.T.D. are then applied to the offending digit which will at once extract itself with very little noise and discomfort to the defective officer.
- Regarding the “Down-Draft-Bifurcators” Referred to in Min XV. Modification stores for these instruments are now to hand, owing solely it is pointed out, to the application of T.T.D. in its capacity of an unbinding agent to the ADOS. (see para 3) and it is requested that Bifurcators together with necessary Mod stores are handed into M.E. in strict order of priority as laid down in para 5 (below). That is to say the branch suffering most seriously from Bull droppings and sticking digits (no connection with sticking valves which is a separate firm under entirely new management) will hand in their bifurcators first.
- The following priority is suggested:-
1. Q
2. A As Bifurcators were not
3. G issued to O.S. & M.E.
4. S & T due to the fact they were
5. MED not considered necessary
6. SIGS they are not included on
7. ENGINEERS the priority list
8. PROVOST
9. LABOUR I. MUCKEMUPP
10. WELFARE Capt I.T.A.
11. P.P.M.C. (O – 5 times daily) for Lt. Col A.D. M.E.
12. ODDS & SODS (AD VALORUM)
13. OLD UNCLE TOM COBLEY & ALL
Motto: Nihil Illigitimo Carborundum.
25 Jun ‘45
Minute Sheet No XVII
34
DCOS ARAKAN
- It is understood that you are interested in the adoption of T.T.D. with particular reference to its use for:-
- Preventing burrowing beetles breaking ballies bearing best copper communicators
- Dispersing the somnolent atmosphere at present so noticeably prevalent in CHITTAGONG telephone exchanges and replacing it by one of brisk, obliging efficiency.
- If our infm. Is correct it would be greatly appreciated if you could attend the meeting which has been suggested in para 1 of minute 25 and which the other interested parties have agreed to attend, when we should be most interested to hear your views.
G Branch P.W. Daniell Maj
25 Jun 45 for Lt. Col. GS
Minute Sheet XVIII
35
“G.”
- It is suggested that the moral aspect of the uses of T.T.D. have been not fully considered. It is for this reason that the extermination of the bally burrowing beetle, either the Hop & Skip species or the Quack variety, by T.T.D. should be proceeded with, very cautiously.
- Moral effect on Signals It may not be fully realised that 99.35% of Signal personnel in the Arakan are employed solely on the maintenance of ballies. Should these men be thrown out of work or even offered jobs in H.Q. Offices, it is felt that the moral of Signals would be seriously impaired. This is likely to be reflected throughout the Army in India and indeed throughout the Empire.
- Moral effect on Staff Officers. Another serious disadvantage might well be that communications would be such that it would be possible to use the telephone on one’s office desk for talking to someone other than the exchange. That someone might also ring one up when least expected. This is considered foul play, a cads trick and not in the best interests of moral.
- Your solicitude regarding our attempts to give brighter and better telephone service is appreciated.
Upon investigation in District & Skip Exchanges the following interesting discovery was made. Someone was already feeding these girls with T.T.D.!!
The girls, when questioned replied that two staff-officers (majors) were responsible. With true G.S. thoroughness however these officers had doubled the usual dose with the result that the girls are in a permanent state of stupor, trying in vain to recapture their lost vitality and vigour.
Far be it from this office to cast aspersions on the General Staff but it has been suggested that the T.T.D. has been administered to these unfortunate girls with an ulterior motive. This we can assure you is totally unnecessary. Anything that is required may be had, like all local and trunk calls, “ON DEMAND”.
- I will be only too pleased to attend this meeting as requested in minutes 34, para 2. R.U. Thru
Col
R. Sigs.
D.C.S.O.
(R.U. THRU)
/CS.
36
Extract from BAULI BAZAAR TRIBUNE of 19 Jun 45 36A
36A
EXTRACT FROM THE BAWLI BAZAR
TRIBUNE 19 JUNE 45.
STORMY MEETING OF
EXECUTIVE ASSEMBLY
SUBMISSION OF ARMY ESTIMATES
(By our special correspondent)
Under the Chairmanship of that charming leader of Indian affairs, Sir RAMATOOLE UPABHOY, the sittings of the working committee of the Executive Assembly were continued yesterday. The Army estimates for the six months ending Dec. 45 were under consideration and arguments of considerable heat were produced over the subject of the new insecticide T.T.D. Rai Bahadur BHAGGA RAM said that while he agreed in principle that troops especially on the Burma front should have every possible amenity that could be provided, he did not entirely agree with Khan Bahadur Fakar’s Khan’s statement that this product was used entirely as an insecticide, and should be passed on these grounds alone. He had, he said, heard from many serving men that far better uses or abuses of the product had been discovered by men on active service. For example he said, to his certain knowledge it had been used for purposes as widely divergent as desire inhibitors, (cries of Shame, Retract etc.) and substitutes for alcohol. (further disturbance). Rising to the occasion with an air of dignity Mr. C.R. BITSA NONSENCE said that he did not feel that the time was opportune to expose the services dirty washing to the public gaze. The sitting was then suspended for a session to be held “in camera”.
37
Letter from HQ 404 L of C Area to Lt. Col R.C. TARSY. 37A
37A
HQ 404 L of C Area
SEAC
Lt. Col. R.C. Tarsy
By favour of Capt. Butlin
Sir,
The Officers of these HQs, who have for long known you through the unsatisfactory medium of letters, would be glad if you could see your way (the full moon should help) to make a closer acquaintance by personal contact & honour C Mess with your presence on Monday next 2nd July.
What we trust will prove a pleasurable evening has been planned in anticipation of your acceptance. It is proposed to make use of the opportunity, presented by your presence, quickly to run through the correspondence arising out of your outstanding discovery, TTD, but it is not thought that this should occupy more than four or five hours. A cold collation of preserved, or tinned beef, with garnishings of potatoes will follow & a brief musical programme, which, it is feared, will include renditions by May Jones of some Mendelssohn’s Songs without music, will be followed by a session of liar dice, strip poker, baccarat & spelling bees.
You are requested to come unarmed or we, for our part, shall observe strictly the rules laid down at the Geneva Conference.
Orders & decorations will be worn. Carriages & ambulances at 04.00 hrs.
We remain, Sirs,
Yours very sincerely
38
Letter from Col. R.C. TARSY to Capt. W.H. Butlin 38
38A
NO XYZ/10/-
No 1 Special Insectological Research Depot
S.E.A.C.
Forwarded for info & action ref last Para & 1st P.S.
28 Jun 45 W.A. Butlin Capt.
Dear Butlin,
Thank you for the letter with your HQ’s suggestion that a meeting should be held at which I should be present.
I expect you will agree with me when I say “And about bloody well time too!”
It is extremely inconvenient for me to attend next Monday as I am at present working on an experiment which if successful will not only revolutionise the whole field of insectology but will probably also cause revolutions in the Army. I refer, of course, to my new gas for the Euthanasia of Redundant Staff Officers; however before I can proceed with this experiment I have to receive the permission of the General Staff as the next stage is a practical demonstration.
In these circumstances I will attend as requested. You will, of course, as my legal advisor & junior partner in the firm of Messrs Tort & Malfeasance my solicitors be present with me.
Kindly arrange for a separate table (out of earshot of the rest of the meeting – y’ know what I mean where we can talk without being overheard) to be allotted to us together with two chairs.
Yours sincerely
Rudolph C. Tarsy
P.S. The Chairman should be advised that at that time of day I only drink beer. You, I presume, will do the same.
P.P.S. Note my second upgrading & my new rank. My red tabs ought to shake ‘em what?
Top Secret.
2CG2 + 3TF + SP + 2H2O CG2SP1TF2 + CGO3 + TFH2 + H2O = K9P
First mix CG2 & TF at a temp of 40 with water adding TF & SP after one hour.
Allow sediment to settle, decant clear liquid and bring to boiling point; distil in inverted retort, allow to cool and keep in sealed bottles in a cool place.
The CGO3SP1 & TF2 is the insecticide element, the CGO2, TF gives it the aromatic and exhilarating feature.
Feb 45 Lt. Col.
NOTE.
I first discovered the deadly properties of K9P when experimenting one night at the “Narki-hoo” “Night Club” in 1938 but there I used CG2 & JJ where I now use CG2 &TF.
I discovered on coming to India that the former were difficult to get and the latter were even deadlier.
R.C.T.
39A
Minutes of Meeting of TTD Committee held at “C” Mess HQ 404 L of C Area ay 20.00 hrs on Mon 2 July 45, for the purpose of:-
- Meeting Col. R.C. Tarsy
- Hearing any proposals by Col. R.C. Tarsy
- Considering adoption of TTD in place of DDT
- Declaring a dividend (if any)
- Any other business
In the Chair:- Maj A. Carey R.W.K. (late of 8th Army, S.C. Quetta etc etc, Holder of Burma Star, A Mess Dart Throwing Championship etc etc)
Present:- Reps all Services HQ 404 L of C Area
Secy:- Capt J.A. Kemp
Col. R.C. Tarsy was supported by Capt Butlin (Legal Advisor) & Capt Peachey (Financial Adviser)
The Chairman opened the meeting by thanking Col Tarsy for his attendance and then called upon the Secy to read telegrams of congratulation and regret received.
The Secy then read the following messages:-
Sorry unable to be present. With you in spirit. Thanks for all your help. Eisenhower
Good luck. Claim credit for TTD due to French scientists but vive la Tarsy. Glad you able to share in small way France’s glorious victory over the foe. De Gaule
Feel you are on eve of great new epoch medical history. Go to it. President British Medical Council.
Meet me Officer’s Club 9-30 Saturday Gladys.
(Possibly included in error by Chairman)
Will back TTD for support coming election, Atlee
TTD a cert in all Govt Depts if you use your influence coming election, Winston
CAATO to —–
Copy to ‘C’ Mess
1 WAS(B) & 1 Officer escort flying CTG (.) Calcutta with 1 rpt 1 ton TTD anti-louse powder (.) regret report Officer died en route.
My thoughts with you. Don’t overlook mobile canteens in use of TTD.
Lang c/o WAS(B) HQs Simla.
The Chairman then called upon Col Tarsy to speak.
Capt Butlin, speaking for the Col (who seemed disinclined to talk) said the Col didn’t care a hoot whether 404 adopted TTD or not. He had other irons in the fire and had good offers from Selfridges, Harrods, the Zoo etc and was simply open to take the highest offers.
The Chairman; That’s OK but what are your claims for TTD?
Butlin: The best effect is an increase in efficiency in every dept of 404 and in every function of 404’s staff.
The question of price had not yet been considered. The Col attached great importance to this. He was prepared to disclose the formula in confidence to prove that it was not a cheap mixture. He was now prepared to answer any questions.
Chairman; I propose to let each Service speak for itself.
O.S. : May we have the formula written on the blackboard?
(Butlin expressed willingness to do this but as no chalk could be found the project was abandoned)
Chairman: I now call upon Med to give their views on TTD.
Med: We deplore the fact that we have not the formula.
Butlin: I will read it again.
2CG2 + 3TF +SP + 2H2O – CG2SP1TF2 + CGO3 + TFH2 +H2O = K9P
Med: Thank you. That clears the matter up. TTD is easily portable and readily spread on bed clothes etc but as it is diluted with thin oil may base designs and maps of Australia on sheets. Undoubtedly it corrodes glass. It is normally issued in small rubber bags. (One was produced and greeted by roars of unexplained laughter). It is poisonous to some and on others has surprising effect on the loins. Med would be glad to undertake distribution.
Chairman: Answer the question; Do you not advocate use of TTD?
Med: Undoubtedly.
Chairman: Med had said they will supply it but I think S & T should have a say about that.
S & T: Can be supplied by S & T. we suggest TTD pipe line. Col Pimple Bottom would speak on that aspect, meanwhile the speaker could vouch from personal experience that one sniff of TTD was the equivalent of three treble brandies. His girl friend was so impressed by the smell of TTD on his breath she thought it prudent at once to leave his Basha.
Butlin: That was nothing to the smell of his balls.
‘G’: (interjecting) What was a girl doing in his Basha anyway?
S & T: (ignoring interruption) Not only would S & T supply TTD – they urge its adoption on a large scale – say, one ounce per man per day to commence.
Maj. Jones: No! 3 ozs per man per day per issue.
‘G’: Is it an aphrodisiac?
S & T: Yes.
‘G’: Then QAS & VAD should have double issues.
S & T: We will issue if Q sanction.
Chairman: Had TTD been used the Dohazari bridge would probably be still standing now. Killing the torado beetles and all the rest of it.
Butlin: Had TTD been used Dohazari bridge would not only be still standing but bigger and better!
S & T: And stronger!
‘G’: And wider!
Chairman: Now Ordnance: let’s hear from you.
O.S.: TTD is an OS matter. It is diffused in a thin oil.
S & T: (interrupting) I suggest Col Brewester is already thinly oiled.
(Cries of ‘Order’)
O.S.: Down draught bifercators are essential for its dissemination. We have them; can modify them for spraying TTD in thin oil. It has been suggested that it might be conveyed in small rubber bags. O.S. disagreed and produced a rubber bag of a larger size. (uproar)
O.S.: It has been suggested that K9P was very expensive. This was inexplainable. It was to be seen on every tree and lamppost.
Butlin: Agreed. But consider cost of collection and extraction from lampposts.
(A heated debate then took place among all present. When Chairman had restored order he called upon Sigs to explain effect of TTD on his Branch).
Sigs: I cannot say What effect TTD would have on communications?
O.S.: Would it restore Pahartali Exchange to life?
(No reply)
A; Would it make District more man minded?
(Disorder)
Chairman: Sit down.
ME: Is it known that TTD has similar effects on opposite sex?
S & T: Yes. – 3 months experiments have proved this.
Chairman: We must press on. I now call on G. is TTD controlled store?
G: We are 100% in favour adoption TTD if financial benefits occur. Suggest we hear from financial adviser on the subject.
Chairman; Discipline is a fine thing though absent from this meeting. Let us hear what A has to say on disciplinary aspect.
‘A’ rose to be greeted by a chorus “Why was he born so beautiful?”
‘A’: One question – Does it fill pencils?
‘G’: Who have you got to write to?
‘A’: Will it make Officers defer?
S & T: Not bloody likely.
‘A’: What are financial aspects?
Med: Suggest deferment should be for nine months from date of issue.
Chairman: We have now covered all points except finance.
(Cheers)
F.A.: I am glad to sense a feeling of readiness in this meeting to adopt TTD. I feel all present are prepared to accept cash. Here is a chance to get rich quick. It is not only a boon to mankind but will fill your pockets. You are lucky to be here tonight. It is proposed to form a Ltd. Coy. With a capital of £1 million. £7,000,000 in cash would be paid to Col Tarsy for patent rights and goodwill. Net profit in first year estimated at £300,000, which should provide 20 per cent to share holders.
(Confusion. Many Officers present tried to force ready cash on the F.A.)
Chairman: Thank you F.A. Now let us have a practical demonstration of the powers of TTD.
A strong concentration of TTD was then sprayed over the meeting.
The effect was such that the further taking of minutes seemed to the Secy a matter of extreme unimportance. This record is not therefore wholly complete. When Secy regained full consciousness he found himself in embrace of two committee members and surrounded by a cheering crowd clamouring for adoption forthwith of TTD.
No vote of thanks to the Chairman ended the proceedings.
The Bay Museum & Research Facility 